PTSD AND MDD—-Depression

did not choose to be depressed, to be anxious, to be paranoid. I just found myself in a position where i cannot sleep because every time i close my eyes i see and feel every moment of time in a prison cell full of water so i wake up suffocated. I have spent 8 months sleeping in my shoes because everyday i feel like running away like it has just began. I see my dead friends every morning smiling and saying hi. I hear the same voices of those who were in the next prison cell near mine being tortured i hear them call their mothers and shout out their lungs without breath. Some faces that i met that remind me of some people i completely switch and go silent. I have had a severe loss of appetite that i remember one day in February that i spent 3 days without food but did not even notice and when i thought about it, God it scared me to death. I know i will never have my life back, i know my past will always haunt me. My doctors call it PTSD AND MDD, i have Suicidal thoughts like all the time but i promised a few people i will not do it so am still holding.
So what do we do, well people like me are many with going mental health challenges but the beauty of us is that we keep holding on to anything. And what makes us calm and happy is a very little definition of life like a rainbow in the morning, climbing mountains, putting seeds in the ground and wait to see our own creation. PTSD will never leave me and maybe its my way back home.